Monday, November 29, 2010

Ms. Richardson or How I learned to love the Bureaucracy.

Stab me in the face. Put me out of my misery. It'll be a kindness.

This tale of woe starts about a week and an half ago in Denton, Texas. I have lost my cell phone once in Denton, Texas. Then two weeks ago, I lost my wallet in Denton, Texas. Joy! So I lost my wallet on Thursday, then the weekend, then we went to Alabama for a week. Today has been the first day that I have been able to start the renewal process. As it turns out, I think it might be easier to buy a gun in Texas than it is to renew a lost driver's license.

Yesterday I cried in a Dallas County Clerk's office. What is the aptitude test result that leads someone to this job? Highly suited for work as dictator of small Latin American country or low-level bureaucratic monkey. Shows a proficiency towards rigidity and cool dismissiveness.

As it turns out, if you have lost your driver's license and have no other picture ID, then you need your birth certificate to get it replaced. To get a duplicate copy of your birth certificate you need a picture ID. Ashley and the Vicious Circle.

So there I am, I've gotten spiffed up, since I think I will be taking a license picture later that day, tears are welling up in my eyes. The conversation goes something like this.

Me: So my mother will have to leave work and come over here and get a copy. She has her driver's license.

Her: Or your father....

Me: Yeah, he's dead.

Her: Oh, or a spouse or a sibling...

Me: Don't have one of those either.

At this point I gather up my three forms of unacceptable identification and scoot outside. Where's the fire, you ask? Why so rushed and harried? It's not like you have never driven for two months on an expired license before, Ash.

I'm glad you asked. I am flying to Chicago in eight days. I need a picture ID or they will never let me on the plane! Upon further examination, I find that it may take up to THREE weeks for my spankin' new license to arrive in the mail. Nice. I'm up the river, toast, spent.

I ring up Allie at Southwest Airlines for help outta this pickle. Allie probably scored saint on her aptitude test. She assures me that my paper license, expired passport and social security card should get me through airport security, just fine. Do you hear that? It's choirs of angels.

What does this mean? What point, exactly, are you driving at, Ash? Guaranteed PATDOWN!

Monday, November 15, 2010

29, Mighty Fine

To celebrate 29 years of me, I present to you 29 interesting, silly, pertinent, impertinent, mundane, but all true things about me.

1. I was born and raised in Texas. I always think of Margaret O'Brien's line in Meet me in St. Louis, "Aren't I lucky to have been born in my favorite place in the whole world?" Which brings me to...

2. Sometimes I spontaneously sing. "I Got Drunk Last Night, Dear Mother" is in my repetoire.

3. I'm a Scorpio. Not terribly clear about what this says about me.

4. I'm left handed, therefore highly adaptable to a world not built for me.

5. Everytime I happen by it on teevee, I will watch Bad Boys (original and sequel). Whatcha gonna do?

6. The best gift I ever received was a fluid sense of family from my mama. The more the merrier.

7. The second best gift I ever received was a ticket to Game 4 of the 2010 World Series.

8. I love the Texas Rangers.

9. I love football.

10. I loathe soccer.

11. The best compliment I ever received was from a student, a boy of 14: "Miss, I always knew you was a G!"

12. To understand me better watch Steel Magnolias;

13. Read To Kill a Mockingbird;

14. Listen to Patty Griffin's A Thousand Kisses album.

15. If you find yourself doing one of the items 12-14 and your heart isn't full and you haven't cried a bit, don't tell me. DO NOT TELL ME! I want to still love you in the morning.

16. I have nutriaphobia. I do not want to meet any pet hamsters.

17. I'm clumsy. My life is slapstick; I have the scars to prove it.

18. I'm a little like Delta Dawn: her mama "still calls her Baby."

19. To quote another song from the inimitable Tanya Tucker: I'd ride through Hell and half of Texas just to hear Willie Nelson sing a country song. My mama and daddy took me to my very first concert when I was 2 years old. I'm just that cool.

20. My own daddy passed away over four years ago. My heart still aches. My DNA was altered on that day; I'm doing my best, though.

21. I am powerless over fried potatoes.

22. And chocolate.

23. And beer.

24. I could rollerskate before I could walk.

25. All I ever wanted to be was 5'4". Does that seem like too much to ask?

26. I collect antique and mismatched china. I'm just sayin'...shoot. This could be valuable information to you...someday.

27. Until the first day of Kindergarten, I thought the last line of the Pledge of Allegiance was "And God Bless, Willie."

28. Over the last year, I learned that it is possible to forge real, valuable and important relationships over the interwebz. I am so 21st Century; she says with tongue planted firmly in cheek.

29. If you've made it all the way through this list, I 'preciate you, and I hope you'll come back.

love hugs hearts, ash