She's a bad mamma jamma!

It's the Grits Mama's birthday! It's Tuesday! Happy birthday, Mama. I am the luckiest girl in the world to belong to you. I lovelovelove you!

Top 5 favorite fictional mothers!

1. M'Lynne Eatonton: did you know I was gonna say that?

2. Claire Huxtable: the eppy where she breaks her foot and bedazzles that cane, TDF.

3. Lorelei Gilmore: mostly so I could raid her closet.

4. Tami Taylor: Clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose. Mrs. Coach is the best.

5. Roseanne Connor: she's tough; she's loving; she's hilarious.

She's a bad mamma jamma!

Tuesday: Sense and Wicked Good Sensibility

Grits and Gravy coming to you this week from Massachusetts. What to the what? Country mouse in the big city: lots of open mouth gaping and "pardon me, what did y'all say?" I am staying in the lovely home of Ma and Pa Chromalab (chromalab.blogspot.com). As a testament to her wit and book learnin' I have asked Alicia to write up a Tuesday's list reflecting one of our very favorite things.

Ashley and I are currently deeply immersed in our favorite non-activity, Jane Austen movie viewing, so this list came naturally: Top 5 Jane Austen Quotes! I chose a favorite quote from each book in order of publication, except Northanger Abbey (because if you have to sacrifice one...).

1. "Elinor agreed to it all, for she did not think he deserved the compliment of rational opposition." - Sense & Sensibility

2. "There are few people whom I really love, and still fewer of whom I think well." - Pride & Prejudice

3. "A large income is the best recipe for happiness I ever heard of." - Mansfield Park

4. "Ah! there is nothing like staying at home for real comfort." - Emma

5. "She had been forced into prudence in her youth, she learned romance as she grew older--the natural sequel of an unnatural beginning." - Persuasion

BONUS QUOTE

In a letter, on the Peninsular War: "How horrible it is to have so many people killed! And what a blessing that one cares for none of them!"

Tuesday: my apologies to MacGruff and Nancy Reagan

Down and dirty Tuesday! To what can you not "just say no"?

Top 5 vices, y'all!

1. Boots, beards and tattoos: the trifecta of sexy. Meeeeooooow!

2. Coffee: I'm like a crackhead; I don't need the pure stuff! I will drink gas station coffee. Some of the best coffee I've had recently was at a casino bar. True story!

3. Cardigans: I have so many. What can I say? It's my signature look.

4. Fried potatoes: French fries, hash browns, home fries, tater tots. Love 'Em all'

5. Iron & Wine: I love you, Sam Beam! His music makes me want to kiss a lumberjack in cold weather.

It's Tuuuuuuuuesday!

It's the most wonderful time of the year: Thanksgiving!

Top 5 favorite Thanksgiving dishes

1. Dressing: cornbread dressing, of course. Not stuffing, holy salmonella, Batman!

2. Sweet potatoes: tastes like dessert!

3. Deviled eggs! I will steal them right off the platter when no one's looking.

4. Pecan pie, and don't ruin it with cool whip or some such nonsense.

5. Seconds on dressing, please.

Happy TG, y'all! Who's wearing elastic waistband pants?

Tiny pinpoints of light

So things have been a whirlwind at Grits & Gravy HQ in the last couple of weeks. Phew, y'all!

First, my favorite day of the whole year was November 5. Dirty, flirty thirty! I'm thirty, and I can kick, stretch and Kick! No perceptible differences than 29, but as far as I can tell time is a crafty bitch. Like one day I looked in the mirror and I looked like an adult. I noticed my face fully meshed at about age 23, which is kinda late to exit the goofy not-fully cooked, doughy in the middle phase, but awkward beggars can't be choosers.

Then I caught a cold, right after my birthday: suckity suck. I just laid about for days with achey bones and labored breathing. My best guess is that I had five pounds of snot in my head. Gross. I am a lousy sick person; I just want to lay on bed and watch crappy teevee. No stoicism, just whining.

The real kicker of the last two weeks is (suspicions confirmed) I'm going blind. On Monday I went to see a retinal specialist after a recommendation from my opthamologist. I have retintitis pigmentosa(RP), the same condition that left my father legally blind. So, my rods and cones are dying: boo. RP is incurable, and there is no treatment, yet. Dr. Patel said there is encouraging research toward a treatment. Maybe five years.

I'm so lucky! I've told my closest friends, and they are the best. I've had volunteers to tweeze my eyebrows, match my clothes for me, apply makeup and drive me around. Honestly, not having to drive because I can't sounds pretty good to me; I hate driving. My Alicia in Boston is reading books on eye disease and vision loss; she's educating me about my eyes. Her hubs, T-Rex was researching treatments being pursued in Cuba and Japan. I've had more than one offer for retreat at a girlfriend's home. How did I get so lucky?

For now, I'm gonna try and not be a mope. Truthfully, my outlook after the diagnosis is much better than before with unsubstantiated suspicions. I don't want to waste what sighted time I have left feeling sorry for myself. So......

Let's make a list of all the things I need to SEE:

1. Grand Canyon: I've heard it's "fucking majestic," (sayeth Christina).

2. Paris

3. Real mountains, up close

List it! List it real good!

This edition of Tuesday's list was inspired by my friend and attorney Rachel. Thanks, Rach!

Top 5 things I'm gobbling (metaphorically and actually) up right now

1. Parks and Recreation: they are killing it this year. Treat yoself!

2. Mindy Kaling's new book, "Is everyone hanging out without me?" Like Bossypants for a single gal.

3. Dove damage therapy conditioner: my hair has never been so soft!

4. Doug Burr's album O, Ye Devestator. Sad and lovely.

5. Reese's peanut butter trees, forever and ever. Amen.

Listy listy listy

This Tuesday's list is brought to you by Alicia from Chromalab (chromalab.blogspot.com). Alicia and I are soul mates; she read it in a book at her inlaws' house, so it must be true.

What are the top 5 movies you know by heart?

1. Steel Magnolias, "There is no such thing as natural beauty."

2. Clue, "Flames. Flames on the side of my face."

3. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, "What's so fab about it?"

4. Reality Bites, "We are going to eat gas?"

5. To Kill a Mockingbird, "Entailments are bad."

Whatchoo got?

Movie Review Haiku

Like Crazy

Hipsters fall in love

Immigration woes befall

Tears and Paul Simon

Rating: 4 biscuits out of 5

I might be a drag queen

In a biological lady body, but a drag queen nonetheless. It's Arts & Crafts day at Grits and Gravy.

Supply list: feathers, beads, rhinestones, ribbon and hot glue.

Have y'all been watching Mad Fashion on Bravo with Chris March? It completes me; it is bloody brilliant. At Mr. March's mad hatter studio, they use loads of hot glue: loads and loads to spangle and bedazzle.

I love spangle. I love bedazzle. I use only a little bit of hot glue. I was raised by The Craftiest Woman in the Known World. The Craftiest Woman in the Known World does not use hot glue when you could neatly HAND stitch. TCWKW reared me to go full tilt boogie on my crafts (thanks, Mama!). So if you need me I will be sewing on rhinestones and watching Beverly Hills Cop for the forseeable future.

It's Listacular Tuesday!

Here at Grits and Gravy I've decided to institute Tuesday's list. I will make a list of five things under a category of my own choosing. I will encourage you, friends, to share your own list or berate (or compliment!) me about mine.

Here goes nuthin:

Top 5 (in no particular order) perfect songs in popular music

1. "The Weight" by the Band

2. "Wouldn't it be Nice" by the Beach Boys

3. "Satisfaction" by the Rolling Stones

4. "Son of a Preacher Man" by Dusty Springfield

5. "Don't Stop 'til You get Enough" by MJ

Honorable Mention: "Tears of a Clown"; "Fat Bottomed Girls"; "Me and Bobby McGee"; "I Wanna Hold your Hand."

There's no crying in baseball?

This time last year my friend Jeanne complimented me on my grace in handling the end of the World Series. Isn't that a sweet thing to say? The same thing cannot be said of me this year: I have been a wreck.

I spent games four through six sucking down free bourbon and diet cokes in a casino bar with friends. Even after the cursing, hand wrenching, and Bobby Knight-esque chair slamming of Game six, I was mostly confident that game seven was gonna go my way. I'd decided early that it would take seven games; my confidence was not shaken, not even stirred.

Not to say I wasn't nervous, I very much was. Very, very nervous. Then it all fell apart.... Friends were posting on social media that they were turning the game off. I couldn't do it. I was M'Lynn noble at Shelby's bedside. " I was there when that beautiful creature drifted into my life.. and I was there when she drifted out of it."

And it was a beautiful season, however it may have ended. My favorite thing about the Texas Rangers is that they play with joy: the smiles on the faces of Elvis and IK when they turn one of those miracle plays; Naps throwing out a baserunner; Nelly grinning around the bases; Josh hittin' the wall and holdin' on for an out; Feliz saving the day; the stank 'stache; Michael Young fielding; Adrian daring them to hit one down the third base line; ginger ale celebrations and on and on. I love this team. Win or lose, I am a proud Texas Rangers fan.

So, I cried my tears; I wallowed in my sadness and grief. Now, my heart is full for we are American League Champions.

When do pitchers and catchers report, anyway?

Ms. Richardson or How I learned to love the Bureaucracy.

Stab me in the face. Put me out of my misery. It'll be a kindness.

This tale of woe starts about a week and an half ago in Denton, Texas. I have lost my cell phone once in Denton, Texas. Then two weeks ago, I lost my wallet in Denton, Texas. Joy! So I lost my wallet on Thursday, then the weekend, then we went to Alabama for a week. Today has been the first day that I have been able to start the renewal process. As it turns out, I think it might be easier to buy a gun in Texas than it is to renew a lost driver's license.

Yesterday I cried in a Dallas County Clerk's office. What is the aptitude test result that leads someone to this job? Highly suited for work as dictator of small Latin American country or low-level bureaucratic monkey. Shows a proficiency towards rigidity and cool dismissiveness.

As it turns out, if you have lost your driver's license and have no other picture ID, then you need your birth certificate to get it replaced. To get a duplicate copy of your birth certificate you need a picture ID. Ashley and the Vicious Circle.

So there I am, I've gotten spiffed up, since I think I will be taking a license picture later that day, tears are welling up in my eyes. The conversation goes something like this.

Me: So my mother will have to leave work and come over here and get a copy. She has her driver's license.

Her: Or your father....

Me: Yeah, he's dead.

Her: Oh, or a spouse or a sibling...

Me: Don't have one of those either.

At this point I gather up my three forms of unacceptable identification and scoot outside. Where's the fire, you ask? Why so rushed and harried? It's not like you have never driven for two months on an expired license before, Ash.

I'm glad you asked. I am flying to Chicago in eight days. I need a picture ID or they will never let me on the plane! Upon further examination, I find that it may take up to THREE weeks for my spankin' new license to arrive in the mail. Nice. I'm up the river, toast, spent.

I ring up Allie at Southwest Airlines for help outta this pickle. Allie probably scored saint on her aptitude test. She assures me that my paper license, expired passport and social security card should get me through airport security, just fine. Do you hear that? It's choirs of angels.

What does this mean? What point, exactly, are you driving at, Ash? Guaranteed PATDOWN!

29, Mighty Fine

To celebrate 29 years of me, I present to you 29 interesting, silly, pertinent, impertinent, mundane, but all true things about me.





1. I was born and raised in Texas. I always think of Margaret O'Brien's line in Meet me in St. Louis, "Aren't I lucky to have been born in my favorite place in the whole world?" Which brings me to...


2. Sometimes I spontaneously sing. "I Got Drunk Last Night, Dear Mother" is in my repetoire.


3. I'm a Scorpio. Not terribly clear about what this says about me.


4. I'm left handed, therefore highly adaptable to a world not built for me.


5. Everytime I happen by it on teevee, I will watch Bad Boys (original and sequel). Whatcha gonna do?


6. The best gift I ever received was a fluid sense of family from my mama. The more the merrier.


7. The second best gift I ever received was a ticket to Game 4 of the 2010 World Series.


8. I love the Texas Rangers.


9. I love football.


10. I loathe soccer.


11. The best compliment I ever received was from a student, a boy of 14: "Miss, I always knew you was a G!"


12. To understand me better watch Steel Magnolias;



13. Read To Kill a Mockingbird;



14. Listen to Patty Griffin's A Thousand Kisses album.



15. If you find yourself doing one of the items 12-14 and your heart isn't full and you haven't cried a bit, don't tell me. DO NOT TELL ME! I want to still love you in the morning.



16. I have nutriaphobia. I do not want to meet any pet hamsters.



17. I'm clumsy. My life is slapstick; I have the scars to prove it.


18. I'm a little like Delta Dawn: her mama "still calls her Baby."


19. To quote another song from the inimitable Tanya Tucker: I'd ride through Hell and half of Texas just to hear Willie Nelson sing a country song. My mama and daddy took me to my very first concert when I was 2 years old. I'm just that cool.


20. My own daddy passed away over four years ago. My heart still aches. My DNA was altered on that day; I'm doing my best, though.


21. I am powerless over fried potatoes.


22. And chocolate.


23. And beer.


24. I could rollerskate before I could walk.


25. All I ever wanted to be was 5'4". Does that seem like too much to ask?


26. I collect antique and mismatched china. I'm just sayin'...shoot. This could be valuable information to you...someday.


27. Until the first day of Kindergarten, I thought the last line of the Pledge of Allegiance was "And God Bless, Willie."


28. Over the last year, I learned that it is possible to forge real, valuable and important relationships over the interwebz. I am so 21st Century; she says with tongue planted firmly in cheek.


29. If you've made it all the way through this list, I 'preciate you, and I hope you'll come back.

love hugs hearts, ash